The Relative From Hell
by bananashplito
Summary: Thorin and Bilbo's wedding is just around the corner, when who should turn up uninvited but Thorin's dreaded Auntie Una. She slowly creeps into their lives and takes control. Several things are made clear - Kili hates bath-time, Fili hates ribbons and the Durin boys most definitely do not do pink! Bilbo is a hospital hobbit as always, but even he can only take so much...
1. Chapter 1

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS, NOR AM I MAKING ANYTHING OUT OF THIS APART FROM MY OWN ENTERTIANMENT**

Thorin managed to fit a brief smile of satisfaction into his busy day. The wedding preparations were coming on well: the date had been decided, invitations were being drawn up and dispatched to various guests, and his husband-to-be was settling very nicely into Erabor. Bilbo hadn't been too impressed to begin with. He had found the long stone halls lonely and oppressive, and he became morose from lack of sunlight. He also couldn't bear the sight of the gold – it stirred up awful memories that both he and Thorin wanted buried forever.

Bilbo's dislike of his homeland had caused Thorin much distress and worry. He wanted, no, needed the halfling by his side. He doubted he would have survived the stab wound from Azog without that warm spirit always by his side holding him together. Now he was cured from the dragon sickness, he knew that Bilbo was the most precious gold he could ever desire. But Thorin feared that his hobbit was missing the Shire. What if his love for Thorin turned sour for keeping him from it? He had told Bilbo he was free to leave, but Bilbo had completely misinterpreted his meaning and thought Thorin wanted rid of him. His anguish both broke and completed Thorin's heart because he realised Bilbo loved him as he loved Bilbo. Thorin had abruptly ceased Bilbo's tears by getting down on his knees to propose there and then. Bilbo's jaw had dropped and he looked so funny Thorin burst out laughing. Then Bilbo stared even more because he had never heard Thorin laugh and it was more beautiful than he had ever imagined. Needless to stay, the answer was yes and the whole kingdom celebrated. It was wonderful to witness joy after so much darkness and death.

But the problem was still there. Bilbo stayed and suffered, and Thorin suffered from Bilbo's suffering. He discussed the issue with Balin, who displayed astonishing perception by knowing exactly what do. He told Thorin to tell Bilbo stories about his time growing up in Erabor, which he did walking hand-in-hand with his fiancé down the magnificent halls. He shared his love for his home to such an extent that it began to grow inside Bilbo. Then Thorin selected a set of rooms near his own and closest to the mountain surface, furnishing them like Bag End with help from the rest of the company. They worked together to cut out huge wide windows that made it possible to see the whole surrounding country. These windows caught the sun for most of the day, making the rooms bright and airy. Bilbo loved it, and soon he came to love Erabor as much as any dwarf did.

So now everything was perfect and Thorin had never felt such contentment in all his life. He was King under the Mountain and was about to marry the love of his life. Such was his joy that he barely noticed Bard, who was standing before his throne and reading out a list of schemes to increase co-operation between the people of Laketown and the dwarves of Erabor. He just nodded and said "yes" absently to anything the Bowman suggested. Bard noticed and sighed exasperatedly. However, he was tolerant because this King was a welcome change to the usual stubborn stone-faced one.

Bilbo entered the Throne Room. He had been out walking. His skin was flushed from the slight morning breeze and his chestnut curls were gently ruffled. Bard looked up at the King, who was looking at him for the first time and giving him big blue puppy-eyes. Very dignified.

"Fine…" groaned Bard. "I'll just leave." He couldn't prevent a smile though when Thorin leapt from his seat and grabbed Bilbo in a passionate embrace.

Bilbo laughed and attempted to fend him off. "You're supposed to be going about your kingly duties, my liege!"

"I've done them all." Thorin said instantly.

Bilbo looked at him hard. "It's only 11 Thorin. You can't be finished already."

"I am." Thorin persisted.

"No, he's really not." Bard threw helpfully over his shoulder as he was leaving.

Bilbo sighed. "Thorin…I cannot be responsible for you neglecting your kingdom in this manner, especially in such precarious times as these."

Thorin pouted sulkily. "But I am forced to spend so little time with you."

Bilbo felt his heart melt a little. "I know, my love. But please, today is important for you. You must seal relations with Bard's people while you are still in their favour."

"How statesman-ly you have become, Bilbo Baggins the respectable hobbit of the Shire." Grumbled Thorin teasingly. Then he sighed. "BOWMAN!" he summoned Bard back with his usual air of command.

"Thank you." Bilbo smiled, giving him a tight hug and turning to leave.

Before he could however, Thorin seized him from behind. "Don't think I am done with you yet, hobbit." His breath tickled the back of Bilbo's neck and made him shiver. "You may have escaped today but tomorrow I _will_ have your company. Be here at ten next morning or face my wrath."

Bilbo bowed deeply. "I am yours to command, my King." The effect was ruined when he kissed Thorin on the nose.

Bard cleared his throat. "So I am staying?"

"I suppose so…" Thorin slouched back to his throne to resume his duties.

The next morning, Bilbo hopped happily to the throne room for 9:30, only to find Thorin was mysteriously absent. Instead, standing in the centre of the great hall and looking about her with a frown of distaste, was an elderly female dwarf. She was small and stout, with skin brown and crinkled as a walnut. A long, curly white beard hung from her broad chin but the hair on her head was almost non-existent. Her stubby fingers were clustered with jewelled rings. She wore a handsome midnight-blue dress shot with silver thread, but the fabric bulged most peculiarly at the hip as though there was something concealed beneath. A massive axe almost as tall as she was lay strapped diagonally across her back, and a tiny dagger was stashed behind one ear.

Bilbo stood staring at the extraordinary character before him for a moment before recovering his manners. "Can I help you?" he called, and the dwarf turned suddenly toward him.

She peered at him sharply through familiar ice blue eyes and opened her mouth to speak. Just as Bilbo became aware she had no teeth, Bofur sauntered into the room whistling a merry tune. He stopped dead when he spotted the visitor. Then his face cracked into a massive grin.

"By my beard, it's darling Una. how _are_ you?" he bent graciously over her hand with a cheeky wink.

"Bofur, sweetheart, it's been so long!" Una's voice was incredibly deep and gravely. She took of Bofur's hat without asking for permission and inspected it for signs of wear. "Hmm…typical. 3 holes and 2 patches."

Bofur mock hung his head in shame. "Forgive me, dear lady. I have never been good at sewing and that hat has been with me for many a year. T'would be a shame to part with it!"

Una nodded. "I'll have it good as new in no time." she promised.

Bofur clapped his hands in delight. "And have you met your nephew's husband-to-be?" he gestured at Bilbo.

"Did I mishear you?" Una whipped round to stare at Bilbo. "My nephew is to be MARRIED? To _that_?" Her eyes bulged out and she was suddenly right in his face, hot breath caressing his skin.

Bilbo felt as though he'd been kicked in the stomach. Had she really just called him a _that_?! Bofur, on the other hand, was looking extremely awkward. "I..er…assumed you knew and were here for the, ahem, wedding in a few of weeks time."

Una's face had gone bright red and scrunched up. She was spitting furiously, and her large hands were clenched into fists. She was suddenly far more terrifying than a dragon. "HOW CAN THIS BE?! THAT MY THORRIE IS GOING TO BE MARRIED AND DIDN'T EVEN TELL ME? It is _inconceivable_!"

Bofur was wringing his hat between his hands and chewing on his moustache. "I'm sure it's not as bad as all that Una. Perhaps the invitation just got lost and never reached you."

"We shall see." Una took a moment to breath heavily for a few moments. "You!" she snapped at Bilbo. "Find Thorin Oakenshield this instant and bring him directly to me or I will hunt you down and make you scream."

Bilbo turned and fled the room with a "yes ma'am." _Perfect,_ he thought bitterly to himself as he scurried through the halls asking every one he passed if they had seen the King. Just what he needed right now: Thorin's angry relatives turning up to inspect him. This one really was a piece of work. He should have known people would disapprove. It really was rather ridiculous, the mighty Dwarven King getting married to the simple little hobbit. He was going to kill Thorin for not warning him about Una. It didn't help the invitations had got mixed up, either.

He searched for what felt like hours. By this time he was feeling very irritable. He wiped his sweaty brow and stomped to Thorin's room. Perhaps he'd decided to ditch their planned meeting and go to sleep instead. Stupid dwarves. He yanked the door open. "Thorin-" he called crossly, but the room was empty.

With an exasperated sigh he slumped down on Thorin's bed in defeat. Well, actually, it wasn't just Thorin's. They tended to sleep in the same bed these days. Bilbo sometimes had nightmares after witnessing Thorin being stabbed through the chest, and he slept far better with Thorin's warm living body close to his. Thorin had no complaints. It would scandalise the kingdom if anyone ever found out, and naturally certain conclusions would be drawn. Bilbo was determined to wait till the wedding for anything of that sort however, despite Thorin's frequent attempts to seduce him whilst he lay there. It was becoming increasing difficult to resist, so he was glad their marriage was approaching fast. Bilbo smiled tenderly as he thought of the night before, when Thorin's warm hand had snaked deliciously slowly across his stomach and pushed up his nightshirt. Thorin had pouted sulkily and grumbled when Bilbo gently pulled it back down, despite the fire burning in his belly.

His thoughts were interrupted by a sudden thump and a muffled curse. Bilbo stood quickly. The sounds had seemed to come from the large wardrobe in the corner. Maybe the relatives had paid someone to assassinate him. It didn't seem to unlikely after his meeting with Una. Drawing sting from its scabbard, he levelled it at the doors. He took a deep breath and swung them open. He couldn't believe his eyes.

Thorin, Kili and Fili were all tightly wedged inside the wardrobe. They peered out at him sheepishly.

"What on middle-earth are you all doing?" Bilbo asked them in astonishment.

"Er…" Fili stuttered, pushed Kili's foot out of his face.

"Um…" Kili tried, spitting Thorin's hair out of his mouth.

"Well…" Thorin began, stretching and accidently elbowing both his nephews in the nose.

Bilbo crossed him arms and waited. When there was still no coherent answer he began tapping his foot.

"It's great-aunty Una!" Kili finally wailed in despair. "We spotted her arriving this morning so we hid. We can't bear her! "

"Yeah, she calls us Fifi, Kiwi and Thorrie!" supplied Fili miserably. "It's so embarrassing…"

"And makes us give her a kiss!" added Thorin.

Bilbo raised his eyebrows. "So. You're telling me that the heirs of Durin have hidden in a cupboard together because a certain undesirable relative as come to stay?"

The three nodded ashamedly.

"And the worst thing is," Thorin mumbled into his beard, "I didn't invite her to the wedding."

"What do you mean?" gasped Bilbo in surprise.

"I thought she'd never know and we wouldn't have to see her. But know here she is, and she is going to be so angry! What are we going to do?"

"You," Bilbo began crossly, "Are going to get out of there right now and greet your Aunt respectfully. You will spend the entire day with her and invite her to our wedding next week. Tonight, there will be a ball to celebrate her coming." He couldn't believe how uncourteous they were being. It went against the very grain of his hospitable nature.

Thorin, Fili and Kili just stared at him as though he had lost his mind.

"You can't be serious." Fili finally choked out.

"I'd rather die!" Kili gasped rather dramatically and clung to his brother.

Thorin just hunched down further and tried to hide from Bilbo's gaze.

"I mean it Thorin. You are being extremely immature and childish. This is not how a King behaves."

Thorin muttered something indistinguishable.

"Thorin Oakenshield, if you don't grow up right this instant I refuse to marry you." The three dwarves winced at Bilbo's tone, and Thorin grouchily stood and clambered out.

"Come on Fi and Ki." He muttered mutinously. "Your future Uncle Bilbo has spoken."

"Uncle please- "they gasped, but Bilbo grasped them and with surprising strength yanked them to their feet.

Bilbo marched them to the throne room, though at various intersections of the hallways at least one of his charges would try to make a dash for it. Finally, they reached the doors.

Bilbo cleared his throat and looked at Thorin meaningfully. Thorin plastered a fake smile on his face and they all entered.

 **HOPE YOU ALL ENJOYED THE FIRST CHAPTER! I LOVE ALL REVIEWS AND SUGGESTIONS :) :) :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS, NOR AM I MAKING ANYTHING OUT OF THIS APART FROM MY OWN ENTERTIANMENT**

No sooner had the doors closed behind them than they were shook with a blast of fury. "THORIN OAKENSHIELD. SIMPLY HOW DARE YOU?" Una was upon them. "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO YOUR BELOVED AUNT! TO MAKE MARRIAGE PLANS AND NEVER EVEN BOTHER TO INFORM ME OR SEEK MY APPROVAL OF YOUR CHOICE? YOU ABSOLUTELY DISG-"

Thorin winced, and Kili and Fili ducked behind him. It was too late, however. They were noticed.

"Why, my little darlings!" cooed Una, and they all blinked at the sudden transformation. One moment ago she had been yelling, now she was gushing.

Thorin was momentarily forgotten. She grabbed Kili firmly by the arm and dragging him before her, ignoring his obvious reluctance. " _Kiwi_! you were just _so small_ last time I saw you. And now, a strapping young dwarf! My daughter must be so proud of you. Hmm…" her eyes suddenly narrowed and she grabbed his chin. "But what's this? _Still_ no beard? That's a little worrying, it is…" Kili hung his head in shame.

"No it isn't!" Fili piped up, unable to stop himself leaping to his brother's aid. "It may be undwarvish, but it suits him like that."

" _Fifi!"_ The elderly dwarf squealed. Fili gulped as he realised his mistake. "Oh, so broad and handsome! What a fine heir you'll make, for certain. And that is more what makes a beard. But my," she had grasped hold of Fili's hands to inspect the rings he wearing, "these hands are just… _filthy_! Dear Durin, look at your nails boy! Kiwi." Kili, who was surreptitiously slipping his behind his back, started guilty. "Yours are just as bad! How could you let your nephews roam about in such a state, Thorrie?"

"Er-" Thorin tried but was viciously interrupted.

"And look at their hair, nephew. And their clothes. So scruffy!" she pursed her lips and looked the miserable pair up and down. "Nothing for it. Bath time, my children. Una's going to make you look like real little princes!"

Kili and Fili gazed at each other in total horror. Bilbo, however, couldn't hold back a little chuckle of amusement. The noise brought him back to Una's notice.

"Ah yes, you. What exactly _is_ _it_ , Thorrie?" She inquired, gesturing at Bilbo imperiously.

Thorin's brow darkened with anger. " _He_ , is a hobbit. And my betrothed."

"I see." Una said. "So, it is true." She suddenly lunged at Bilbo and seized his face in her strong gnarled hands before he could react. "Nice eyes, I suppose, quite pretty. Not bad hair all in all. A little short perhaps, and of course there's a noticeable lack of facial hair." Bilbo was feeling incredibly uncomfortable to be sized up in this manner and tried to speak. Una continued regardless. "Very slight, that's less than desirable as well. But good height. Hmm…interesting feet, I'll give you that. Well dressed too." She released Bilbo suddenly, who stumbled. Thorin promptly caught him and held him protectively against his broad chest, glaring at his aunt.

"Bilbo is perfect in every way and I care not for your opinion or approval of this marriage." He stated, the warning in his rich baritone voice was clear. Kili and Fili had been sneaking toward the door but now they froze in anticipation.

Una stared at Bilbo and Thorin hard. Then she threw her head back and laughed, pink gums flashing. "Now, now, Thorrie. Let's not see that temper of yours. You cannot blame me for measuring up the partner of my dear nephew and King, no less. Well, introduce me to your hobbit."

Bilbo's sense of etiquette had been thoroughly violated by this meeting. He felt it far past the introductions stage. None the less, he brushed his waistcoat down and struggled free of Thorin's arms.

"Bilbo Baggins, ma'am. At your service." He gave her a short bow and an uncertain smile.

"Una at yours, Master Baggins." She stated bluntly.

Bilbo coughed. "Might I offer you some refreshment, my lady?"

"Hmm…some seed cakes wouldn't go amiss, I suppose."

Bilbo gave a little buzz of delight. "Why certainly! Excellent choice, if you don't mind me saying so."

"You are fond of them too, Master Hobbit?"

"Bilbo please, and yes I am, exceedingly!"

"Don't we know it…" Fili muttered, and Kili and Thorin snorted surreptitiously.

Una was looking at Bilbo with slightly more warmth. "Well now, perhaps you do have some sense in you. And lovely manners. That's a nice surprise when you're used to dwarven company."

"Well yes, they can be a little coarse and rude at times," Bilbo glanced at Thorin cheekily, "but it adds to their general charm in the end."

"What exactly was you're role in the recovery of this mountain, Bilbo Baggins?"

So they all sat down together and a plate of seed cakes was brought forth. Bilbo began his account of the adventure. Occasionally, Thorin butted in to correct Bilbo if he was being too self-deprecating but otherwise left the story-telling to him. Una listened incredibly attentively. Sometimes she snapped her fingers sharply if Kili or Fili showed any intent of escaping, but her eyes never left Bilbo's face. When Bilbo finally finished speaking, he was stunned to find himself suddenly swept into her arms.

"You saved my nephew. You saved my boy." She muttered into his ear. "I thank you, and am in your debt."

She let go just as abruptly and stood. "Right, that is enough of an introduction for now. Bilbo is a delight, Thorrie. Who knows, perhaps he may impress a few of those excellent manners on you."

"You are too kind, my lady." Bilbo bowed deeply. "Would it be to your satisfaction if we we're to throw a welcome party later this evening to celebrate your arrival?"

Una gasped slightly. "Why, Bilbo, you flatter an old woman so."

Bilbo clapped his hands. "Nonsense! Then it is decided. Isn't it, Thorin?" when there was no immediate reply a sharp elbow connected with Thorin's ribs.

"Yes." He muttered into his beard.

"Well, make sure you dress smartly, Thorrie dear. I'll come along later and help you chose something appropriate. I'd trim a little of that hair if I were you. No doubt Bilbo can assist you. Don't forget to invite all the nobles – it's been too long without a good natter! Right, come Ki and Fi, my lovelies. Time to make you sparkle for the ball. Perhaps you'll catch the eye of a lass or two!"

She particularly dragged them out by their ears.

"But I already have a lass, Auntie…" Thorin and Bilbo heard Kili whine.

"Oh wonderful, when can I meet her?"

"Well, she's an elf so-"

"WHAT?!"

Thankfully, the door slammed shut behind them and they heard no more of that conversation. Bilbo turned to Thorin, who's arms were crossed grumpily across his chest.

"Well, how did I do?"

"Very well. She loves you. But I can't believe you are forcing a ball upon me."

"Aw, don't worry Thorrie! She'll find you something nice to wear!" Bilbo teased, grinning like a maniac.

Thorin lunged at Bilbo, who darted past him and ran away laughing. "I will catch you, hobbit." Thorin threatened.

"No you won't, Thorrie my love!"

Thorin growled and chased him around the throne. Finally the hobbit was captured in his arms, though it was still laughing its head off. "Call me Thorrie again and I'll…"

"You'll what?" asked Bilbo innocently, already getting lost in the blue of Thorin's eyes.

"…I'll call you Bilbie."

Bilbo gasped in mock-horror. "No please, forgive me, never that!"

"Bilbie Bagginsy." Repeated Thorin, grinning like the cat that got the cream.

"No really, actually stop now."

"Make me, Bilbie."

"Fine." Said Bilbo, and without further ado pressed his lips against Thorin's. They stayed like that for a long long time.

 **THANKS FOR READING, FOLKS! I REALLY HOPE YOU LIKE IT. AGAIN, SUGGESTIONS AND REVIEWS WELCOME ;)**


	3. Chapter 3

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS, NOR AM I MAKING ANYTHING OUT OF THIS APART FROM MY OWN ENTERTIANMENT**

"Hmm…this shade will really draw out the colour of your eyes." Una was holding a long royal blue tunic in front of Thorin. He opened his mouth to speak but she beat him to it. "You're right, it would just clash." She threw it dismissively onto a huge pile of already discarded clothing and plucked another from the wardrobe. Thorin buried his face in his hands. So far, it had been two whole hours and his aunt had only succeeded in deciding what under-clothes he should wear. Unfortunately, her enthusiasm was inexhaustible.

Bilbo had wandered in after 30 minutes to ask what was taking so long. Una had been scandalised. "My nephew is _dressing_ , Master Baggins! You cannot just enter in such a manner, it is most improper. Especially as you are his betrothed. Away with you this instant!" And he had been ushered red-faced from the room.

"Aunt…" Thorin tried as Una seized a tunic practically identical to the many she had held up before. "I appreciate your efforts, but do consider I have yet to send out invitations to guests and order the hall to be appropriately decorated in your honour. Time is wearing thin."

"Don't worry, sweetpea, I've already done it."

Thorin blinked a few times. "Oh? Who has been invited?"

"Just a couple of friends and family members. Nothing too major." Una replied breezily.

Thorin tried to mask his sigh of relief. He was still convinced this ball was a bad idea, and he certainly wasn't in the mood for entertaining. This whole situation was frankly ridiculous. He was a Dwarven King, for Durin's sake, and perfectly capable of dressing himself.

Una suddenly squealed. "Oh, how simply _gorgeous_!" she held up a bright pink tunic in triumph.

Thorin's started in horror. "No." he said bluntly.

Una failed to heed him. "Yes, yes, how perfect it will look with that silver belt and your blue boots!"

"I said no." Thorin tried again.

"And it will really accentuate your midnight hair and pale skin."

"It absolutely will not."

"Come come, try it on." She attempted to force it over his head. Thorin protested wildly. "Now stop being so silly." She scolded.

"Aunt, I'll look totally ridiculous! I am a King, and King's do not wear pink."

"Your grandfather looked mighty fetching in the colour, as I recall."

"What on earth will the company think of me, all dressed up like a little g-"

"-they will respect you for your excellent sense of style and fashion. And by yours, I mean mine."

"Bilbo might think less of me…"

"Bilbo can also wear pink and you can attend the ball as a matching couple. I hear it's the done thing these days and you'll look so cute!"

"But Aunt," Thorin splutter, "I am…well, manly and-"

"Really, now, Thorin. I do not care to hear that the colour pink offends your masculinity. That is a most outdated view, and any nephew of mine shall wear the colour with pride. Am I quite understood?"

Thorin hunched in on himself, grumbling and mumbling and muttering darkly.

Una tutted to herself. "Always so stubborn." She allowed him to sulk into a false sense of security, before pouncing on him and dragging it over his head with brute strength.

She sat back and admired her handiwork. "Perfection. Now, time to fix that hair."

"W-what?" His eyes widened in fear.

Una looked at him sternly. "It is a complete mess, dear. Straggly, long and mattered. Its need styling, and your beard could do with a good pruning too. And perhaps oiling. Of course, there's also the nails and hands in general. Honestly, do you even _try_ to maintain a personal appearance?"

Thorin looked at the window and tried to judge whether he'd be able to throw himself out of it before Una could stop him. Deciding it impossible, he slouched resignedly into the bathroom where she was gleefully filling up the tub.

Many, many hours later, Bilbo, Thorin, Kili and Fili miserably dragged their feet to the great hall. They were all dressed in the same shade of pink. Fili and Kili's cheeks were ruddy red from being viciously scrubbed with soap, and Thorin's hair hung sleek and tamed. They all looked utterly mortified. Apart from Bilbo of course, who was facing the situation with his customary cheer and felt no shame at all in being attired in such a colour. They halted outside the door.

"I'm not going in there…" Kili muttered. "I look so stupid."

"Not as bad as me Ki." Fili tried to comfort him. "She's tied my beard in a bow."

Thorin's outrage and humiliation had rendered him beyond speech.

"I think you're all being a bit dramatic." Bilbo chimed in. "Just because you are clean and dressed nicely for once doesn't mean you should lose your self-respect!"

Fili sniffed regally. "We are the heirs of Durin. She has no right to intervene in our life choices like this."

"Yeah." Agreed Kili. "why should it matter that my finger nails are dirty? I _like_ them dirty!"

"I'm sure you do, but does Tauriel?" Bilbo questioned seriously.

Kili's cross expression melted at the sound of the name. "Tauriel says she loves me no matter what." He said with quiet pride.

"I love you no matter what." Fili added. Kili threw his arms around his brother.

"I've had enough." Thorin suddenly broke in. "I'm going back to my room to change and you are both welcome to do the same because I, King Under the Mountain, say so. She cannot control us in this manner."

"You tell her, Thorrie." quipped Fili. He cowered at the expression on Thorin's face. "Just kidding."

"You better have been." Thorin growled. "…Fifi." His lips lifted into a faint smirk at Fili's expression.

Kili laughed. "Come on, let's go, before the horrid old hag stops u-"

"Going somewhere?" Una loomed out from around a corner. Her hand clenched tight on Kili's shoulder, who let out a little squeak. Fili gulped audibly. Thorin, on the other hand, squared his shoulders.

"Yes." He rumbled. "We are returning to our chambers to dress in clothes we are comfortable wearing, not these ridiculous pantomime clown outfits."

Una regarded him for a moment. "Those ridiculous-pantomime-clown-outfits are what I have selected for you to wear this evening."

Thorin stared back at her stoically. Everyone else in the doorway was holding their breaths.

"It is considered unwise for a dwarf to disrespect their relatives." Una stated in a quiet voice.

"Be that as it may." Thorin attempted to step past her, but she seized his arm. Her face had gone still and cold as marble. "Very unwise," she persisted, "considering all the things they may know about you."

Bilbo was suddenly terrified by the voice. Really, the whole conversation was utterly immature. So why had everything turned rather menacing? Was it him, or had the temperature decreased massively?

Thorin paused. "What do you mean by that?"

Una's face split into a sinister smile. "Well, let's just say I know a lot of, how to put it…potentially _embarrassing_ stories from your childhood. Which wasn't all that long ago to me. How would you like it if my lips slipped a little? For example: Bilbo, did you know that Thorin used to-"

"STOP." ground out Thorin.

Una grinned maliciously. "Better do what you're Aunt says then."

Thorin stepped forward with fire blazing in his eyes. "How dare you-"

"-used to like eati-"

Thorin visibly struggled with himself. Then his shoulders collapsed in defeat. "Very well."

"That's better." said Una. "Now, what do you say?"

Thorin stared resolutely at the floor.

"Answer me."

Thorin muttered something totally indistinguishable.

"Didn't quite catch that."

"…sorry." He at last choked out.

"Sorry for what?" Una inquired sweetly.

He lifted his head and glared at her balefully, before dropping it again. "I am sorry for disobeying you."

Una nodded graciously. "You are forgiven."

Fili, Kili and Bilbo were staring in horrified awe at the dreadful dwarf lady that had brought Thorin so low.

Fili, filled with outrage on his uncle's behalf, burst out "You have no hold over me and Kili. We can do what we want!"

Una span around to face him with a tight smile. "Is that so?"

Fili's expression faltered and he shifted to stand slightly in front of his younger brother.

"Well," Una continued, "I assume you have no objections to me informing Dis that you were shamefully disrespectful to your poor old great aunt."

Kili gasped. "You wouldn't!"

"She'd kill us!" moaned Fili.

Una folded her arms and stared at them unmoved.

Broken, the young dwarves filed back to their defeated uncle's side. Bilbo felt sick – how could his bold and hot-headed friends be reduced to such a pitiful state?

"Now." Una serenely shook out her magenta gown and adjusted the spangled turban atop her head. Her beard had been adorned with little silk ribbons. "Are we all about ready?" She opened the doors of the great hall. Within, a sea of dwarfs, humans and elves were dancing, gossiping and drinking themselves into a buzzing party state. They all turned and bowed as The King, his heirs, his consort and his guest of honour entered the room.

 _This is_ _ **not**_ _just a couple of friends and family members_ , Thorin thought glumly as he marched into the masses.

 **HELLOO AGAIN! I REALLY LOVE WRITING THIS. HOPE YOU CONTINUE READING FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER**


	4. Chapter 4

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS, NOR AM I MAKING ANYTHING OUT OF THIS APART FROM MY OWN ENTERTIANMENT**

"Cheer up, Ki and Fi. It isn't so bad!" Bilbo was patting his future-nephews comfortingly on the backs. They were standing in an isolated corner of the room, away from the noise and heat of the bustling party.

"Bofur laughed, Bilbo. You saw that he did." Kili murmured sadly.

"As did Nori and Gloin." Fili added glumly. "And Balin choked on his wine."

"Dwalin passed Dori a bag of coins-"

"-and Ori's eyes went all big and round-"

"-and Bifur and Oin stopped talking and stared at us-"

"-yeah and th-"

Bilbo quickly interrupted "Bombur didn't seem to care. He was too busy eating!" he tried a light-hearted laugh.

Fili and Kili just shook their heads miserably. "At least Uncle seems to be pulling this off." Fili sighed.

Bilbo turned to search for Thorin's dark head amongst the crowds. Sure enough, his was surrounded by delegates from various kingdoms and seemed in deep discussion. Bilbo felt a stir of pride in his fiancé and another rush of anger toward Una. She was there too. For someone who hated elves so much, she was flirting rather heavily with Thranduil.

Suddenly, a tall red-haired elf came swaying through the throngs toward them.

"Look Kili!" gasped Bilbo.

Kili lifted his head dolefully and saw her. The transformation was incredible. His wide happy smile brightened the whole corner. "Tauriel!" he waved frantically.

Tauriel laughed and wrapped him tightly in her arms. He wriggled free so that he could kiss her firmly on the mouth. Bilbo and Fili blushed and grinned at each other awkwardly.

"Why are you over here sulking when you should be dancing with me?" Tauriel demanded jokingly.

"How can you be here?" Kili asked in amazement. "It's a dream come true!"

Tauriel grasped his hands in hers at that. "Your great aunt invited me. She said she wanted to meet me. She seems a truly wonderful lady."

Fili choked on air. "She is a complete bit- _ow!"_ Bilbo had kicked him sharply in the shin.

"I'll have none of that language, thank you." He warned firmly.

"Quite right." Agreed Tauriel. "It is wrong to disrespect one's ancestors, Fili."

"But Taurie, she really is-" protested Kili, but Tauriel shushed him and proceeded to drag him out onto the dance floor.

"One down, one to go." Bilbo whispered under his breath. Fili was watching his brother morosely. "Is there no one you would like to dance with, Fili?"

Fili turned red. "Nope."

Bilbo stared at him hard. "Are you sure?" Bard and his family suddenly entered the hall. _Una really has been thorough_ _with the invitations_ , he reflected. "Look, Fili, Bard is here. And his son and daughters."

"Really?" Fili spun around suddenly to check. Then his skin flushed darker. He retreater deeper into the corner, muttering "oh no, no, no." frantically to himself.

Bilbo watched him in amazement. "What on earth is the matter?"

Fili just continued to make himself as small as possible. "She cannot see me like this…"

"Who can't?" Bilbo scratched his head. His eyes landed on Sigrid, who was wearing a simple silver dress and looked rather overwhelmed by the volume of people before her. "Oh!" he breathed as realisation dawned.

Fili peeked at him from between his fingers.

"You have feelings for Sigrid, don't you?" Bilbo asked gently. It was obvious, really. He should have realised from the start.

Fili spluttered. "Well er, I wouldn't say, _ahem_ , f-feelings exactly…it's not like I really know her much, but, erm…well I think…of course she could never want me so there isn't much point, but still I…"

"It's okay, Fili." Bilbo spoke soothingly. "She's a wonderful girl and she'd be lucky to have you."

"…really?"

Bilbo nodded. "A very advantageous match too so no would object, even though she is human."

"Do you think she could love a dwarf?" Fili blushed.

"I do." Bilbo said jokingly.

Fili shuffled from foot to foot. Then he asked "When did you know you loved my Uncle?"

Bilbo started in surprise and felt himself go red as Fili. "Oh, er…I think it was…when I saw him walk toward Azog that night, surrounded by flames. He was so beautiful and majestic and brave, a true King. I filled with this overwhelming panic when I thought he might die. It clawed up my throat and at my heart. I never realised how much I cared for him until then. To tell you the truth, I thought I hated him. I was wrong."

Fili was watching him a little too intently for his liking, so he cleared his throat and gestured toward Sigrid. "I think she's feeling a little intimidated. She needs someone to introduce her to people." He looked meaningfully at Fili.

"Oh no." Fili backed away. "Let Bard do it. She cannot see me looking this ridiculous. I'm heir to the throne and a mighty warrior – I'm supposed to be impressive, manly, powerful…"

"Not all women like that kind of thing, you know Fi."

Fili blinked. "They don't?"

"No. They like men with a softer side too, ones who seems approachable, kind and able to laugh."

Fili peered at him suspiciously. "How would you know?"

Bilbo merely shrugged modestly. "I pick things up pretty quickly. I wasn't too unpopular back at the Shire…"

"Oh." Fili thought for a moment. "So you think I should…go talk to her?"

Bilbo nodded encouragingly. Fili chewed his lip for a second. A tall dark-haired man approached Sigrid and attempted to engage her in conversation. She smiled at him shyly. Without a second more delay, Fili yanked the ribbon from his beard and stalked over there. Bilbo saw him bow charmingly in front of Sigrid and ask her to dance. She blushed pink as his tunic and seemed rather pleased. Fili's face had slipped into it's mature heir-to-the-throne mask but Bilbo knew his eyes would be sparkling.

Now alone, Bilbo shook his head exasperatedly. Why did the Durins have such a problem with pink? He thought it rather suited them. Thorin in particular looked incredible in the colour, but perhaps that was because Bilbo was biased. Now doubt Tauriel felt Kili was by far the handsomest, whilst Sigrid would argue Fili. He loved them all deeply, however, despite their many quirks.

He felt he deserved some quality time with Thorin now after patching up his nephews' insecurities.

Taking a deep breath, Bilbo plunged through the party guests toward his beloved. There were many familiar smiling faces amongst them. Bofur had set up a kind of karaoke in a different corner of the room. Bombur was seated at the great long table running the length of the hall, stuffing all kinds of food into his mouth as usual. Nori was busy teaching Ori how to steal cutlery without people noticing. Oin was tending to Tauriel's right foot – it appeared Kili had stepped on it a little hard whilst they were dancing. He was now standing beside them muttering countless apologies, which Tauriel waved away good-humouredly. Gloin was snogging his wife on the dance-floor like a teenager and Bifur was talking animatedly to Dain, who was keeping up through hand signals. Dwalin and Balin stood next to Thorin, who was talking with Bard and Thranduil about affairs of state. Bilbo was hoping he and the elven king would be able to form an alliance between the nations, but it still looked rather unlikely.

Thorin broke off the conversation when he saw Bilbo approaching. "Where have you been?" he asked, a little accusatory. He had missed his little hobbit, and always liked to have Bilbo's comforting presence by his side whilst dealing with difficult matters.

"Helping your nephews overcome there…ahem…reluctance to join the festivities." Responded Bilbo. He took Thorin's hand and gave it a squeeze. Thorin responded with a rueful smile.

Bard stepped forward to shake Bilbo's hand. The halfling found this a rather strange custom, but then, men were hard to understand at the best of times. "Greetings, Mr Baggins! It is good to see you again."

"Hullo Bard! How are your family?" He responded politely, to which Bard replied they were well. Bilbo turned to Thranduil. "And how are you and yours, my lord?"

Thranduil sniffed disdainfully. "My son seems to tire of Mirkwood and seek adventure elsewhere. I, however, am content to keep our borders secure."

"And what about other lands?" Thorin asked stiffly. "Is your concern focused solely on your own regions or do you care for the protection of others?"

Thranduil looked at him coldly. "My primary concern is, and always will be, for my people."

"Yes, you've certainly proved that." Thorin muttered under his breath.

Thranduil's eyes narrowed dangerously. "And what do you mean by that?".

A tense atmosphere had descended upon the group. Bard's eyes had been flicking from face to face throughout the exchange, Dwalin's glare had settled in place and Balin had folding his hands into his tunic sleeves, a sign that he has drawing on inner strength.

"Well, an example would be how you watched from afar as my people were forced to-"

"Thorin." Bilbo hissed warningly.

"No, do go on." Thranduil smiled tightly. "I'd like to hear more."

Thankfully, the atmosphere was dissipated with the arrival of Una. "Thorin!" she called excitedly, "Guess what? I've just been talking to your great grandfather Garad, and he gave me this." She waved a little piece of paper at them all.

Peering closely, Bilbo realised it was a drawing of a chubby little dwarf child with thick black hair, a scowling forehead, and big blue eyes.

"It's you as a toddler!" Una declared. Thorin blushed deep crimson and edged away as the rest of the group leant closer to see it.

"By my Beard!" Dwalin grumbled, "You were so cute!". Bilbo nodded in enthusiastic agreement.

Thranduil laughed rather nastily. "And clearly just as bad-tempered when you were young as you are now."

"I remember that time as if it were yesterday…" Balin wiped a tear from his eye.

"As do I," Una smiled, "Always a rather moody child, but you simply loved that little soft goat I made you. Used to particularly scream if someone tried to take it off you."

"Aunt…" Thorin growled.

Una laughed. "Oh look, he's all embarrassed! Alright dear I'll stop."

"Thank you." Thorin murmured, pinching the bridge of his nose. Bilbo gave his hand another squeeze. His poor King wasn't having a very good day.

Una turned her attention to Thranduil. "I bet _you_ were a lovely baby, Thranny."

Bard choked on air at the endearment, whilst Dwalin and Thorin exchanged vicious grins. Thranduil simply ignored them. "I was. Perfect. Always have been, you know."

"Indeed." Una shuffled closer to him. "How is it that you manage to achieve such a perfect shine to your hair? What keeps it so fine and straight?"

Thranduil flipped said silver locks carelessly over his shoulder. "It's completely natural."

"I thought elves used essence of moonshine flower to tend their hair…" Balin pondered, brow furrowed in confusion.

Thranduil glared daggers at him for a moment, then smiled falsely. "Some do, but there are those who are special and need no cosmetics."

"He is such a liar." Bilbo whispered into Thorin's ear, who smirked in agreement.

"You certainly are special, my lord." Cooed Una sickeningly. "Why, I have never seen such a finely-formed elf lord in all my many days."

"Thank you, my lady." Thranduil returned, evidently pleased.

Una moved to remove a handkerchief from her bodice, but somehow it slipped from her fingers to the floor.

"Allow me." Said Thranduil smoothly. He picked it up and kissed the fabric before returning it to her, eyes never leaving her face.

Thorin, Balin, Dwalin, Bilbo and Bard felt the urge to be violently sick. Conversation resumed and took up the rest of the evening. Half-way through, however, they realised Thranduil and Una had disappeared. Nobody wanted to even consider the implications. They were happily in agreement that the evening was pleasanter without them.

Finally, _finally_ , the guests began to trickle home and Thorin and Bilbo were able to retire. Once in their room, Thorin threw off the offensive pink tunic and wrapped Bilbo in his arms. Bilbo ran his hands over his pale chest, making him moan. Thorin kissed him hungrily and dragged him over to the bed. Once Thorin's kisses started being planted lower than his belly button, causing fire to rip through his body, Bilbo quickly pushed him away. Thorin sighed and released him. He lay back and stared up at the ceiling.

"I'm sorry." whispered Bilbo.

Thorin sighed again. "I understand. You are, after all, a respectable hobbit." His lips quirked at the corners a little.

Bilbo shuffled closer to him and buried into his shoulder. "I love you."

Thorin kissed the top of his head and tucked his arm around the hobbit. "And I love you, my Master Baggins."

"I'm sorry about Una."

Thorin stilled. After a while he asked softly "do you think less of me?"

Bilbo gasped in surprise. "Why on earth would you think that?" he poked Thorin between the ribs, though he doubted the dwarf even felt it.

"Because…" Thorin muttered, "I am scared of her and allow her to control me."

"We all have a relative like that." Bilbo said comfortingly. "Why, my grandmother Bluebell Baggins was unbelievable."

Thorin propped himself up on an elbow. "Why? What did she do?"

So Bilbo embarked on a description of the old hobbit and her misspent youth, and the pair of them laughed themselves to sleep.

 **SO THAT'S REALLY THE FIRST HALF OF THE STORY (OR QUARTER, OR THREE QUARTERS, WHO KNOWS?) PLEASE DO GIVE ME ANY IDEAS THAT YOU WANT ME TO PUT IN THERE – I MIGHT RUN OUT! ;) THINK I'LL KEEP IT GOING UNTIL THE WEDDING THOUGH. THANKS FOR READING!**


	5. Chapter 5

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN THE HOBBIT OR ITS CHARACTERS, NOR AM I MAKING ANYTHING OUT OF THIS EXCEPT MY OWN ENTERTAINMENT**

That night there was a massive storm. Rain crashed against the rock walls of the mountain, creating a thunderous drumming that made the halls of Erabor shake. Thunder roared, the wind screamed, and sporadic flashes of lightning threw shadows into sharp relief.

Bilbo slept on, utterly oblivious to the battle taking place in the sky above. Thorin had awoken at the sound of the first few drops pattering against stone. He liked the sound of the rain. Now, lying warm in bed with his burglar curled against his chest and listening absent-mindedly to the storm, he was quite content. In fact, no moment could be more perfect. He could watch Bilbo for hours when he was sleeping. His face was so smooth of expression, so at peace that even Thorin felt able to relax. A particularly loud boom shook the mountain. Thorin chuckled quietly when the hobbit didn't even stir. Not even the end of the world could wake a sleepy Bilbo Baggins.

Suddenly, just as Thorin's eyes were starting to go heavy, the door creaked open. A pale wedge of light sliced through the darkness, temporarily blinding him.

"Who's there?" he hissed.

For a moment there was silence. Then a gruff voice owned up "it's me."

" _Dwalin_?" Thorin asked, sitting up and rubbing his eyes. "What is the matter? Are you well?"

The fierce dwarven warrior cleared his throat. "I came to see if you were alright."

"Why wouldn't I be?" Thorin asked, utterly perplexed.

Dwarlin peered searchingly into his face. "The storm." He replied, his voice unusually soft.

"It is mere wind, rain and thunder. It cannot harm me."

Dwarlin shuffled a bit from foot to foot. "I am glad it doesn't bother you."

"But why on earth should it?" Thorin was beginning to get annoyed. Why wouldn't his best friend speak clearly?

"No reason…I shall go now. Sorry to disturb you, my liege." Dwarlin turned to leave.

"Dwarlin." Thorin growled. "I require an explanation for this behaviour."

Dwarlin paused with his hand on the door handle, keeping his back to Thorin. "The noise…it reminds me of the dragon. I figured you might be similarly affected. I was wrong."

Understanding dawned. "You are afraid because the storm is like Smaug?"

"I am never _afraid_." Dwarlin growled, sounding offended. Then his voice became more gentle. "I was only thinking of you, my friend. You had a worser time of it than any of us."

Thorin was silent for a moment. Then he said "T'isn't the dragon that frightens me. It's bones lay deep in the cold dark waters of the lake, dead and still and silent. But the dragon sickness – _that_ may still be festering in my heart, ready to consume my mind and make me hurt those I care for."

His tone was so desolate and hopeless that Dwarlin felt a deep surge of pity for his King. "You are strong, Thorin. It cannot control you anymore."

"How do you know that?" Thorin particularly whimpered.

Without hesitation, Dwarlin strode over to the bed with the intention of embracing him in a bone-crushing hug. Then he saw the hobbit-sized lump under the covers and stopped dead. " _Thorin!"_ he hissed in shock.

Thorin followed Dwarlin's gaze, then rushed to explain. "No, no, it isn't what it looks-"

"-you're almost married, couldn't you wait just a few more weeks? Dear Durin, Thorin!"

"Dwarlin, shush, it is not like that!"

Dwarlin totally ignored him. "I thought hobbits waited longer than that. Besides, Bilbo acts like a virgin – why, when Gloin talks about what he and his wife get up the goes redder than a-""

"He _is_!" hissed Thorin, blushed and spluttering. "Llisten." He explained how they both felt more able to relax sleeping side by side.

Dwarlin still looked sceptical. "So… you're not naked in there?" he asked suspiciously.

" _Dwarlin!"_

"Alright, alright. Budge over." He ordered.

Thorin's eyes widened. "You mean…"

"Yes." Was the curt response. Thorin obediently made room and Dwarlin crawled in beside him. The bed creaked a little. Dwarlin rolled over so that they were nose to nose. "Tell me, does this fear of dragon sickness truly trouble you?"

"…yes." Admitted Thorin. His deep blue eyes, usually so guarded, were soft and vulnerable. Dwarlin wrapped him in strong arms just like he did when they were younger. He had always been there to support and protect his friend, and he always would be. It was just that, as he got older, Thorin got more and more closed in on himself.

Thorin sighed and asked something that had been weighing on his chest for a very long time. "Do you think I am right to marry Bilbo?"

Dwarlin froze. "I cannot believe you would ask that."

"Why?"

"Because you love each other. He is your One."

Thorin closed his eyes as if from pain. "It is because I love him that I doubt. I fear the dragon sickness will claim me and I will hurt him badly and he will hate me for it…It is selfish to bind him to me and make him stay when I know I am capable of becoming a monster."

Dwarlin wasn't very good with emotions. His feelings were always strong on any matter, but somehow he couldn't put them into words. So he headbutted Thorin to try and knock some sense into him. It seemed to help but he could still see insecurity lurking in his friend's eyes.

"You listen here." Dwarlin growled with force. "If you have any reservations about this wedding, you speak to your finance about them. Then he will tell you to stop being such a prick by moping around like a wounded badger and trust him to make his own decisions. Are we clear?"

"Thorin sighed. Though he didn't reply, he seemed a little more reassured.

They lay in companionable silence for a long time, listening to the drumming of the rain. Thorin felt much more relaxed and was beginning to ease off to sleep. He was abruptly awakened by Dwalin.

"You actually do really want to have him though, don't you?"

" _Excuse me?"_

"Bilbo. You want to sleep with him, but he won't allow it."

Thorin's silence confirmed it. He felt rather than saw Dwarlin's grin. "All good things to those who wait, my friend." He murmured cheerfully.

Thorin shoved him. "Its none of your business."

"Don't get your royal braids in a twist." Laughed Dwarlin, before falling to sleep and snoring as loud as an advancing avalanche.

When Bilbo woke in the morning, he was astonished to find two dwarves in his bed instead of one. "What exactly happened whilst I was asleep?" he asked loudly. Thorin and Dwarlin both jerked awake. Then they looked at each other sheepishly.

"Do you want to explain, or shall I?" Dwarlin asked with a smirk.

 **THANKS FOR READING! HOPE YOU LIKED IT PRUE ;) SEND IN ANY MORE IDEAS ANYONE, AND I'LL HAPPILY INCLUDE THEM IF I CAN.**


	6. Chapter 6

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN THE HOBBIT OR ANY OF ITS CHARACTERS, NOR AM I MAKING ANYTHING FROM THIS APART FROM MY OWN ENTERTAINMENT**

The rain still hadn't abated well into the afternoon of the next day. By then, the gloomy weather was starting to effect people. Fili and Kili weren't speaking to each other after a massive argument. Earlier that day one of Fili's favourite throwing knifes had disappeared.

The disagreement had come about like this:

"Kili, have you seen my throwing knife?"

Kili was perched in an alcove of the Throne Room, his tongue poking out with concentration as he attempted to draw Tauriel. "Which one?" he asked distractedly.

Fili tapped his foot impatiently. "My favourite - the one ma got me for my 40th birthday, with the azul handle."

Kili looked up. "I thought the knife _I_ gave you was your favourite. I made it myself."

"Well it isn't." Fili said bluntly. He was extremely irritable from being cooped up inside for the past few days. He had wanted to visit Sigrid, but the road was flooded and impassable. His uncle had made him spend hours learning to manage trade negotiations. Now he wanted to practice his knife throwing, but his knife had gone missing!

"I don't know where it is." Kili replied in a surly tone.

Fili crossed his arms and stared at his brother hard. "Really? Because you took a knife that time without asking to show it to Tauriel."

"I gave it back, didn't I?"

"Three weeks later."

"Look, I haven't got your stupid knife!" Kili muttered angrily.

"It isn't a stupid knife!" roared Fili, "It was my most accurate throwing knife, the finest and sharpest of my entire collection!"

"WELL I DIDN'T TAKE IT!" screamed Kili. In his anger, he punctured a whole in the paper with his pencil. "Now look what you've made me do!" he moaned in anguish.

Fili snorted nastily. "Who cares, it's a rubbish drawing anyway."

Kili's eyes flashed with hurt. "I spent all morning on it."

"Why, when you could have been doing something worthwhile?"

"Anything that concerns Tauriel _is_ worthwhile." snapped Kili. "She's much prettier and more talented than that silly human girl you're drooling over…"

Fili launched himself at Kili. The pair rolled around on the floor, screeching wildly.

"Want on earth is going on?!" Una entered the hall wearing a blue dressing gown, her beard still in curlers. She saw the brothers fighting and wading in. She grabbed each firmly by the collar and held them suspended in the air. They continued to hiss and spit insults at each other, feet kicking uselessly in empty air.

"THORIN! BILBO!" she bellowed. "Come help me sort out these troublesome children."

Thorin and Bilbo rushed into the room. "What is it, Aunt?" asked Thorin, looking between the three of them in bewilderment.

"Take this." was the reply, and Fili was shoving into his arms. The young dwarf tried to struggle free, but the older held on tight as a vice.

"Let go of me uncle, let go!" Fili whined.

"Not until I hear what this is about." Thorin stated firmly.

Una was wrestling Kili to the floor. It wasn't until his face was pressed into the cold stone and his hands secured firmly behind his back with Una firmly on top of him that he began to calm.

"That's better." She said when he stopped struggled. "Now, who started it?"

 _"_ _He did!"_ the brothers cried at the same time. All three adults sighed. "Fili, what's your side of the story?" Bilbo asked gently.

"He's stolen my favourite throwing knife!" Fili shouted.

"That isn't true, he's _lying_!" screamed Kili.

"And he said Tauriel was better than Sigrid!"

"Well it's true!"

"No it isn't you stupid beardless br-"

"ENOUGH!" roared Una. Thorin eyes were closed and Bilbo was rubbing his temples. "You." Una pointed at Fili. "Shut your mouth and don't speak until I tell you. Now," she spoke to Kili, still pinning him to the ground, "What do you have to say for yourself?"

"I didn't do anything!" Kili protested sullenly. "I was minding my own business, drawing a picture of Tauriel, when he came up and started shouting that I had taken his knife. As if I would, my bow is way better-"

Fili tried to speak but he was viciously shushed. Una tapped Kili on the head. "Keep on topic."

"-well, then I said I hadn't got it-"

"-he called it stupid-"

"SILENCE." Growled Thorin, shaking Fili, who whispered _"_ _this is so unfair."_ under his breath. "Continue." Thorin ordered Kili.

"He said my drawing of Tauriel was rubbish. So then got angry and I..erm…said…"

"Yes?" prompted Una.

"That Tauriel was prettier than Sigrid…" he admitted quietly.

Bilbo gasped with outrage. "Kilian Durin, that it completely unacceptable behaviour. You cannot insult a person who has nothing to do with an argument."

"WELL HE SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN MEAN ABOUT TAURIEL!"

"I WASN'T MEAN ABOUT TAURIEL, I WAS MEAN ABOUT YOU'RE DRAWING!"

"THAT STILL ISN'T VERY NICE YOU DIC-"

Whilst Una and Thorin set about restoring order, Bilbo wandered over to the abandoned picture on the floor. Fili sort of had a point, to be honest. It looked more like a dehydrated mushroom than an elf.

Kili and Fili were more enraged than ever. Fili bit Thorin's hand, who let go with a cry of pain and fury. He started towards his brother, who was wriggled helplessly on the floor with Una yanking his head back by the hair. Bilbo tackled Fili from behind. They both went sprawling to the floor. Meanwhile, Thorin was shouting orders to various dwarfs who had come to investigate the commotion.

Bifur and Gloin marched up to the chaos with two very large buckets of water. Each was upended on the heads of the unruly youngsters. Fili gasped with shock. He pushed his sopping blonde locks back from his face and shivered, soaked to the bone marrow. Kili went still and started to cry.

Now tamed, the brothers were lifted to stand side by side. They promptly turned their backs on each other. A puddle was forming on the floor beneath them.

Thorin was holding his hand to his chest and muttering curses, glaring at his older nephew. Bilbo took it and gently stroked it better. He too was outraged by Fili's nerve. Nobody hurt his fiancé and got away with it!

Una stood before the shivering bedraggled pair with her hands behind her back. "I am ashamed to have witnessed such wild, unruly behaviour from members of my line. Clearly, you lack the maturity to do as you please. Tomorrow, I will personally undertake the task of teaching you to behave."

"What?" gasped Fili.

"Starting with," Una continued serenely, "manners. You will rise at 6 and accompany me on a walk around the grounds as I instruct you. Then we will move on to dining etiquette, and conclude with team building."

Kili started to sob harder.

Fili stared at Thorin, aghast. "Surely you won't allow this, Uncle? We are not children for Durin's sake!"

"Then stop acting like one." Bilbo piped up. Fili glared daggers at him. He smiled sweetly back.

Thorin cleared his throat. "Thank you, Aunt. I am sure my nephews will benefit well from your excellent instruction."

Then, both grinning evilly, Thorin and Bilbo left the Throne Room.

Kili turned whimpering to Fili. "I'm sorry." He whispered.

Fili squeezed his hand. "I didn't mean what I said about your drawing."

"And I didn't mean it about Sigrid."

"I'm sorry I ever accused you of taking my knife."

"That's okay. I really do swear I never took it."

"Of course you didn't!" Una intervened. "How could you have, when it was me?" She waved the blade in front of Fili. "It is very effective for shaving one's legs." She winked.

Fili and Kili both turned green.

Una laughed merrily. "Let this be a lesson to you, dear Fifi! Never blame those you trust the most."

 **HOPE YOU ENJOYED IT! I'M NOT QUITE SURE HOW THIS HAPPENED, I JUST STARTED RANDOMLY TYPING AND HERE WE ARE. PLEASE KEEP DONATING ANY SUGGESTIONS!**


	7. Chapter 7

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN THE HOBBIT OR ANY OF ITS CHARACTERS, NOR AM I MAKING ANYTHING FROM THIS APART FROM MY OWN ENTERTAINMENT**

"I'm sick." declared Una, marching up to where Bilbo was playing chess with Ori under an oak tree in the royal gardens. They both glanced up at her.

"Oh dear." was all Bilbo could think of replying. She certainly didn't look or sound sick. "That's…not good."

Ori curled shyly in on himself. His face turned red as he spluttered "Poor you."

Una crossed her arms. "Well what are you going to do about it, Master Baggins?"

Bilbo stared at her, perplexed. He wasn't a doctor. "Shall I send for Oin?" he suggested helpfully.

"Definitely not." Una shuddered. "I will not submit myself to the clumsy administrations of that deaf old fool."

Ori gasped, but quickly snapped his mouth shut when she glared at him.

"Well then, how about a different doctor?" Bilbo tried.

"I don't want just any old doctor. I want you." snapped Una.

Bilbo blinked. "Me?"

"Yes, you. I need someone by my side to look after me and bring me anything I might need."

Bilbo's heart sank. "What exactly _is_ the matter with you?" he tried to keep the frustration from his voice.

Una's tone turned pitiful. "I have a terrible throbbing pain in my head," she moaned, "and my throat is on fire. My back is aching and my stomach feels fit to burst!"

"I see." He replied sceptically. "The thing is Una, it's mine and Thorin's sort of…do you call it a stag party?" he asked Ori, who nodded.

"Well that's not a problem, I'll just come along too."

"But it's just for company members." Bilbo protested quickly.

Una was quick to take offence. "Very well. You all go off and celebrate! Leave a poor sick old woman behind in her bed, weak and helpless. Who knows, I might even die sometime in the night and you'd all just party on oblivious. My own nephew and his fiancé, abandoning his beloved great aunt to-"

"Alright, alright." sighed Bilbo. "Of course you may come, I was merely saying that-"

"It's decided then. What time does it start and what is the dress theme?"

Bilbo wished a bolt of lightning would strike him dead there and then so he wouldn't have to face Thorin. "8pm and its just casual."

"Excellent!" Una clapped her hands happily and walked away, whistling a merry tune with a spring in her step.

Ori leaned over to Bilbo across the chess board. He whispered conspiratorially "I don't think Ms Una is actually sick, Bilbo."

Bilbo sighed. "I think you're right Ori. At least, not from a physical ailment, but perhaps from lack of attention. It is true we have all been very busy lately with the wedding arrangements."

"Am I still bringing the rings?" Ori's eyes were wide and hopeful as a puppy's. He had never been trusted with such a great responsibility before.

"Of course!"

Later that day Bilbo broke the news to Thorin, who promptly choked on his ale. Bilbo leapt up and down on his back for a good few minutes. When he was recovered he slammed the tankard down on the table with enough force to leave a permanent mark. "No." he growled, eyes red and watering.

Bilbo had expected this reaction. "I know it's not ideal but - "

"I will _not_ have that foul woman at our party. It is for close friends only."

"Well, she is your aunt…"

Thorin exploded. "Why in Durin's name do you want her there?! She's brought nothing but misery since she arrived! I want her gone right this instant, she has outstayed her welcome. There is no way on middle-earth that she is invited to our wedding, am I clear? I forbid it Bilbo."

"Please, Thorin…" Bilbo cringed.

"NO. What exactly are you about? Why do you care for her good opinion? She's a monster to me, Fili and Kili and we all hate her."

Bilbo began to feel irritation rising. "Honestly, Thorin, all she's really done is make you dress up in pink for her own reception party."

"That is not why I dislike her," snapped his husband. "She is manipulative and evil, you can see it in her eyes. She maintains a good façade but it doesn't fool me."

"Oh, that's just verging on ridiculous! She is a sweet old lady who is feeling isolated and alone and would greatly benefit from a little attention from you."

Thorin's eyes narrowed dangerously. "So I am ridiculous now?"

"I never said that!" protested Bilbo. "I just think that-"

"Well don't think! My relatives are not your concern."

"Seeing as how I'll be marrying you in 3 days and becoming a part of your family, I'd say it is my concern." Bilbo replied with cold insolence.

Thorin stood and towered over Bilbo. "I WILL NOT BE SPOKEN TO LIKE THAT! I am King-Under-The-Mountain!"

Bilbo stood himself and yelled back "START ACTING LIKE ONE INSTEAD OF A SPOILT CHILD!"

"HOW DARE YOU!"

"I AM NOT JUST ONE OF YOUR SUBJECTS THORIN, I AM A HOBBIT OF THE SHIRE AND YOU HAVE NO AUTHORITY OVER ME!"

"I HAVE AUTHORITY AS YOUR HUSBAND!"

"YOU'RE NOT MY HUSBAND YET!"

"I DON'T CARE YOU STILL HAVE TO LISTEN TO WHAT I HAVE TO SAY!"

"HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO LISTEN TO YOU WHEN YOU _NEVER_ LISTEN TO ME! I AM NO LESSER THAN YOU! YOU ARE UNREASONABLE, REDICULOUS, IMMATURE AND _YOU DO NOT FRIGHTEN ME!"_

"Get out." Thorin growled. His voice was suddenly so quiet it was almost inaudible, but filled with trembling emotion. A fire burned in his icy blue eyes and his fists were clenched. Bilbo, red from anger, stormed from the room to his own hobbit-hole chambers. He threw himself down on the bed and began to cry from anger, horror and frustration. Slowly, the emotions soaked away and he was left feeling numb and empty. His throat was sore from yelling. He lay there listlessly and listened to the bird song outside.

Then there was a knock. Bilbo sat up and wiped away his tears. Running to the door, he opened it whilst speaking "Thorin, I'm so s- oh."

It was Dori. "Is the party still on for tonight, Bilbo?" he asked with a big smile. Then a slight frown formed on his features as he noticed Bilbo's dishevelled appearance. "Is everything quite alright?"

"F-fine, Dori." Bilbo tried to smile. "Everything is fine. And um…I think we're still on."

"Excellent!" Dori scurried away and Bilbo shut the door. He leaned against it and slid down to the floor. Was it still on? He knew Thorin had a temper, but it had never been directed at him before. Perhaps he had spoken harshly, but it wasn't like he had asked a lot – Thorin was treating Una abominably, even if she was a little overbearing at times! And why was he always so fiercely controlling? He began to feel pulsing anger again as he thought of the argument. Why should he be sorry? He was in the right, not Thorin. Let him apologise if he wanted Bilbo back.

With this thought to harden his heart, Bilbo drew himself a nice deep bath and let the tension melt away.

Thorin, meanwhile, was furiously storming about the halls of Erabor. A dwarf approached him to ask about the importation of glass wares. A few moments later, he was running away trembling and in fits of tears. Thorin then smashed an intricate metal vase to the floor. The gold coins it contained went skittering about his feet. He kicked out viciously and sent them bouncing into the shadows. The stubborn Halfling! How dare he challenge Thorin's wishes in such a manner, how dare he mock his position so? After all, he was nothing but a simple hobbit from the Shire. Why was he so determined to see everything and anything in a good light? It was sickeningly naïve!

The figure of Dori came tottering toward him.

"What do you want?" Thorin snarled.

Dori blanched. "I just c-came to c-ch-check the party tonight is still going ahead? Bilbo seemed a little...unsure."

Thorin scarcely heard him. "I care not. Very well, what does it matter. Now leave me!" he strode of cursing.

Dori stood looking after him. "I guess that's a…yes." he murmured to himself, a little perplexed. "I'll go tell the lads."

 **SORRY TO LEAVE IT ON A BIT OF A CLIFF HANGER! I'LL TRY AND GET THE PARTY CHAPTER UP SOON. HOPEFULLY IT WILL BE A BIT MORE CHEERFUL…**


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Hobbit or any of its characters. Nor am I making anything out of this apart from my own entertainment.**

The room chosen for the party was simple but functional. A table laden with food was surrounded by carved deep-seated chairs, and a fire roared in the grate. A couple of candles helped create a warm and cosy atmosphere. The only party decorations were strings of brightly coloured jewels hung across the walls, and a large silk banner reading CONGRATULATIONS. Of course, huge barrels of mead, ale and wine had been dragged in to satisfy the unquenchable company. Thorin and the rest of the dwarves were already helping themselves as they waited for Bilbo.

 _If he's going to bother to attend_ , Thorin thought moodily.

Nori brought out a pipe and began to play a merry tune. Fili and Kili grabbed each other and starting dancing crazily about the room. Everybody laughed and joined in. That is, all apart from Bombur, who had already started eating.

The room was full of music and merriment when Bilbo arrived, Una supported on his arm. Instantly, everything went silent. Fili and Kili's mouths dropped open in horror. Thorin sighed and shut them again.

"Sit over here, Aunt." He rumbled, gesturing to a chair by the fire. He didn't look at Bilbo, and Bilbo didn't look at him. Once the company had got over its shock, the dancing and cheering resumed. Bofur sidled into the seat next to Una. They started discussing the uses of warg fur. Thorin and Bilbo were left standing awkwardly beside each other. Neither said anything.

"Aren't you going to dance?" Oin asked loudly as he span Bifur in a pirouette.

They shuffled uncomfortably.

"Uncle, Bilbo, what's the matter?" Kili and Fili looked from one to the other, puzzled. Before long, everyone was staring at them.

Balin's brow furrowed in concern. "Thorin?" he asked quietly.

Bilbo's face was red and he was feeling very miserable and uncomfortable. Thorin just stood there like a granite statue. He couldn't bear to see the looks of worry on his friends' faces. Both Ori and Kili looked like they were about to cry. Then Ori's lower lip quivered, and he couldn't stand it any longer.

"Nothing's wrong!" Bilbo forced a horribly fake smile on his face. Then he grabbed Thorin's elbow and tugged him into dance position. "Go on." He nodded at Nori to resume playing.

He and Thorin began to dance very stiffly. No one looked quite convinced, but they hid their doubts by throwing themselves back into merriment. Yet between the pair there was still only icy silence.

Una had been observing the display shrewdly. "The happy couple don't seem so very happy, if you ask me." She stated to Bofur.

"I'm sure they're fine." Bofur replied as breezily as possible.

Una leant back in her chair and pursued her lips. "Looks like there's been a domestic."

"Surely not! It's only three days until the wedding."

"Exactly. Tensions are running high, possibly even doubts. Many couples snap apart at such moments."

"Not Bilbo and Thorin." Bofur shook his head stubbornly. "I have never seen a pair more in love or more suited."

Una reflected. "Nor I neither, perhaps."

Bofur craned his neck to look at the two in question. He was not reassured by what he saw. "If somethings wrong then it needs to be fixed now." He muttered. "They are destined to be together and they will be, so help me Durin! But what to do?"

Una's eyes started to sparkle and a sharp smile tugged at her lips. "I have an idea." She leaned over and whispered in his ear.

Bofur gulped and shook his head rapidly. "No, no, I can't do that! It's insane! It'll be my funeral before the wedding."

"Well, someone has to force them back together."

"Why like this?"

"Because I know Thorin and this is guaranteed to work."

"Why me?"

"Because if you don't I'll throw you to my flesh-eating mountain goat, Maud."

"WHAT?!"

Una sighed exasperatedly. "The truth is I have never seen my nephew so happy. Nor have I ever approved of a match more than this one. The hobbit is a delight, and I won't watch Thorin throw him away to be wasted on someone less worthy. Therefore, you shall do as I tell you."

"But-"

"I meant it about the goat."

"…fine. I'll do it." Bofur muttered sulkily. "But if he tries to murder me, I expect you to save me."

Una smiled tightly. "Of course."

Bofur sighed and got to his feet. Giving Una a sarcastic bow, he approached Nori and whispered something in his ear. Nori's eyebrows rose 10cm, but he nodded. Then Bofur plunged through the laughing dancing drinking dwarves to reach Thorin and Bilbo.

"Bilbo!" he cried brightly. "Would you give me the honour of the next dance?"

Without speaking, Thorin shoved Bilbo into Bofur's arms and stalked to a dark corner of the room.

Bilbo blinked up at Bofur. "I'd be delighted."

Bofur nodded at Nori, and suddenly the music became slow and romantic. The other dwarves were a little surprised, but soon adjusted. Gloin got out his picture of his wife and gazed at it fondly with a mug of mead in hand. Fili and Kili started to waltz, making sarcastic kissing noises at each other. Ori blushingly escaped the dance floor and sat tentatively next to Una. Thorin continued to glower at the floor.

Bilbo felt slightly awkward when Bofur held him close. Unnecessarily close. Bofur just smiled and span him around. I suppose it's better than dancing with Thorin, Bilbo thought morosely. This was meant to be their wedding party and yet he was happier dancing with his best friend than his husband-to-be. Perhaps he was making a mistake to marry Thorin. Perhaps they really were unsuited.

Bilbo suddenly jolted from his thoughts. Bofur's hand had trailed down his shoulder to his hip. Bilbo looked up into Bofur's eyes and tried to say something, but the dwarf just smiled and shushed him. Bemused and embarrassed, Bilbo tried to politely excuse himself. Bofur twirled him suddenly and trapped him against his chest.

"Bofur-"

"Just relax, Bilbo."

They were now even closer. Bofur's hand started stroking gently patterns against Bilbo's hip and up his back. They were definitely too close. Bilbo could feel Bifur's breath against his cheek. Then the hand travelled down between Bilbo's thigh and he gasped.

Abruptly, something yanked him firmly away from Bofur. He breathed a sigh of relief, until he realised it was Thorin. An extremely angry Thorin. The dwarf king's eyes had darkened to near black with fury. Bofur was trembling and backing away, muttering apologies. Thorin grabbed Bilbo's upper arm so tight it was painful. It had gone exceedingly silent and everyone was staring.

Thorin forcefully dragged Bilbo from the room. The poor hobbit was frightened and very confused. The door slammed shut behind them.

"Thorin, I never-"

Bilbo's words cut off as he was shoved hard against a pillar. His breath rushed out of him and he cried out in pain. Thorin's murderous expression made his knees weak with fear.

"Thorin, please-"

Thorin's lips smashed onto his and suddenly he was being kissed more violently than he'd ever been in his life. Bilbo made a squeak of surprise which dissolved into a gasp as Thorin bit down hard on his lower lip. Heat rose up in his body and melted his resistance. He wound his hands in Thorin's long hair, who groaned.

 _"_ _You are mine."_ The dwarf king growled possessively. He moved to attack Bilbo's neck with rough nips and kisses. The scratching of his beard against sensitive skin made Bilbo whimper. Abruptly, Thorin pulled away and the hobbit was left gasping and trembling against the pillar.

"You allowed Bofur to touch you." Thorin muttered. His voice was rough with accusation and jealous hurt.

"I-I wouldn't say allowed." Bilbo stuttered breathlessly.

"He dared to lay hands on you." Thorin continued obliviously. "Here, here and here." His hands ghosted over Bilbo's skin. "Only I am allowed to touch you."

Bilbo just nodded.

Thorin suddenly lifted his head and gazed into his eyes. "Do…do you love him?"

Bilbo's jaw dropped open. "W-what!?"

The dwarf king just continued to watch him intensely. The fire in his eyes had been extinguished and now they were dull with uncertainty. "I said do you love him?"

"Of course not! How on earth could I?"

Thorin's eyes turned downward with shame. "He wouldn't lose his temper with you like I did today. He wouldn't neglect you at your own wedding party." He murmured softly.

Bilbo felt all his anger at Thorin melt away to the incoming tide of love. He gently laid his hand on his fiancé's cheek and forced him to meet his eye. "I love you. I love everything about you. Including your king-sized temper."

"Forgive me?"

"Of course." Bilbo leant in with a smile and pressed a soft kiss against Thorin's mouth, who sighed with contentment. "Now," said Bilbo, placing his hands on his hips. "I think its time you danced with me properly!"

Thorin laughed his big-hearted laugh, and the pair returned to the party. The company immediately saw the love-light was back in their eyes and sighed in relief.

Una turned to Bofur. "What did I tell you?"

Bofur smiled uneasily. "So long as Thorin doesn't hire an assassin to kill me later this evening."

"Bilbo will not let him." Una promised. She returned to flirting with poor, unsuspecting Ori.


End file.
